The Meaning of Motherhood: Perspectives on What it Means to be a Mom
Beyond the Bubble Bath: What No One Tells You About Self-Care
Written by Kathryn Dunn of Nurtured Nest
If you are a human in the year 2021, you’ve heard the phrase self-care. Self-care came on to my radar when I had my first child in 2016. The way I understood it, to be a good mom, I had to first take care of myself. And “self,” to me, meant my physical body: I needed to eat well, exercise, moisturize, and hydrate to keep my mom-machine going.
As I became a more experienced parent, I realized that self-care wasn't just about my body--it was about caring for my spirit too. But it wasn't until I faced the constant uncertainty of 2020 that I realized something else about self-care: it could change, according to what life threw at me. If self-care is nurturing our bodies and spirits, well...shouldn't it change as our bodies and spirits change? Self-care, I realized, is every bit as flexible as we are.
I haven't always known this. For most of the time that self-care has been on my radar, it’s been defined by “shoulds,” not actual introspection about my own needs at the time. Here's a peek at some of my failed attempts at self-care over the last 5 years:
Mom to one newborn: self-care was simply putting my baby down so I could pee alone and doing a deep conditioning treatment in my hair each week.
Mom to a toddler: horseback riding! Getting back to my pre-baby hobby will make me clear-headed, interesting, rested...right?
Mom to a toddler and a newborn: Instagram told me this goop/tool/subscription would change my life so I am ordering it right this minute.
Surprise, reader: none of it worked. I wasn't asking myself what I wanted from self-care...I was letting others tell me what I needed. A long hard bout of postpartum depression landed me with a therapist who began to nudge me in the right direction about self-care. Mostly, she helped me understand myself...and isn't that critical for knowing how to care for a self? Yep. It was an important start.
It wasn’t until 2020 that I had an epiphany on how to care for myself--body and spirit. In the midst of yet another day of too much togetherness, I had the opportunity to do the “pick ups” for the week. Driving solo, listening to my music, hearing my own thoughts, rehashing old memories--I felt like my full self. It wasn't a massage or a manicure--it was just me and my minivan. And y'all? I felt refreshed and recharged and full of gratitude. It was just the thing I needed for body and spirit.
What I've learned is this: self-care is what you do to nurture the body and spirit of who you are RIGHT NOW. In this moment, with all the challenges and joys that only this moment in your life has. If that's a bubble bath, do it! If that's meal-planning, get on that. But notice the critical word there is "nurture": self-care should serve your life, not distance you from your life. That's self-comfort. And it's important too! Binge Bridgerton. Have a glass of wine. Escape your life for a few hours. But then ask yourself--what will nurture me right now? Then lean in--that's the self-care that will deliver.
I share my story now, at the beginning of a new year in hopes that as you set your resolutions and goals for the year, include self-care. Do some exploring to find out what self-care is for you right now. And know that it is ever-changing, since your life is also ever-changing. Help your partner figure out what fills their cup and encourage one another to fill them often. You and your partner are dynamic people--always growing and changing and flexing in the face of new circumstances. Your self-care can--and should--do the same!
This blog post originally appeared on the Nurtured Nest Parent Hub and is available here.
Kathryn Dunn is the Founder of Nurtured Nest. After a postpartum anxiety diagnosis, Kathryn became determined to change the narrative of perinatal education for other families. Nurtured Nest pairs medical professionals and parenting experts with teaching and writing experts, ensuring our classes are not only evidence-based and information packed but also succinct, professional, and fun to consume.
Self-Care & Motherhood
Written by Dr. Jaylene Bair of Harmony Family Chiropractic
I talk a lot about self-care with mothers in our practice. I think we can all agree that self-care has a real PR problem - it’s seen as fluffy and nice, and sort of optional. But what if self-care is actually what we indeed need - not just to feel better, but to survive and to truly thrive, able to be the best for the people who depend on us?
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, self-care means “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health.”
In other words, it’s not optional. It’s literally the first human need.
What does self-care look like?
It could look like…
a cat nap before getting in the car,
taking a hike in the woods,
one-woman karaoke to Shania Twain,
or organizing your spice cabinet (if you’re type A like me).
Self-care is a practice and a commitment we make to ourselves.
Being a good mom doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. In caring for yourself, you care for others.
Self-care is not a privilege. It’s your human right.
Dr. Jaylene Bair is a Family, Prenatal and Pediatric chiropractor. After experiencing the amazing benefits of chiropractic care first hand, she decided to pursue the career for herself. A graduate of Marymount University in Arlington, VA, she went on to obtain her Doctor of Chiropractic degree from Palmer College of Chiropractic. She is passionate about helping people from all walks of life achieve optimal health through chiropractic care; she especially loves serving pregnant moms, babies, and toddlers.
Dr. Jaylene is certified in the Webster Technique, a pregnancy specific adjusting technique, in addition to having completed hundreds of hours in prenatal and pediatric specific training with the International Chiropractic Pediatric Association (ICPA). She has additional training through The Pediatric Experience and Epic Pediatrics.
Outside of chiropractic, Dr. Jaylene enjoys long walks at local parks, reading, and spending quality time with friends and family.
To My Mama Llama
Written by Izzy McDonald of Diaper Magic
To my Mama Llama,
Thank you for letting me tag along on karaoke nights as a kid, even though it meant cutting the evening short, and surely having way less fun…
for pedaling casually behind me when I said I was running away from home on my bike…
for showing me that we never stop growing up, and we’re always learning…
for letting me wear all of your best clothes…
for never sugar-coating the world to me, teaching me to be smart & aware, instead of fearful…
for having the courage to dance in public, accept dares, and enjoy a little mischief…
for teaching me to sing at the top of my lungs, laugh from my belly, and walk un-ladylike…
for showing me that we can go toe-to-toe with our darkest demons and win…
for owning your mistakes so that maybe I wouldn’t have to make them all too…
for holding impromptu spelling bees at the dinner table…
for loving and loving and loving through the good and the bad…
for never letting me win in a Galaga tournament or our battle for the higher college GPA…
for driving me to my first job, even though the gas must’ve cost more than what I earned there…
for unabashedly shrieking the Xena Warrior Princess war cry during the applause of every play, recital and graduation…
for teaching me to cut my own hair, crush a job interview, and shoot nine-ball…
for teaching me that an eyeliner pencil and lipstick is more than enough makeup, and to leave my eyebrows alone…
for reminding me how to be a silly and playful mom, when I was heartbroken and afraid…
for stepping into grandmotherhood with patience, humor, and so, so much love…
for being daring, authentic, unbreakable, and simply legendary.
Happy Mother’s Day <3
Izzy, her daughter and all of their diapers.
Izzy McDonald is the founder and owner of Diaper Magic, a cloth diapering service based in Raleigh, NC. After diapering her own baby in cloth, she realized that other parents needed a service they could trust to deliver everything you really need for a happy, healthy and environmentally-friendly diapering experience. Diaper Magic is committed to reducing waste, and providing realistic options for parents seeking alternatives to mainstream, disposable diapers.
Parenting and Massage
Written by Kathy Peillot of Jouvence Bodywork
Parenting Quote of the Day:
"If you're a regular human, you probably need a massage once a month. If you're a parent, you deserve shoulder/neck/foot rubs every day -- and should definitely get a massage on a regular basis!"
If, like me, you can't quite afford the daily massage you deserve, I hope you have some good self-massage tools--or better yet, a willing partner!
Otherwise/in addition, here's a massage hack for YOU: The Massage Shirt™!
The Massage Shirt™
A couple years back, my son and I made a "Massage Shirt" for my husband. We used fabric markers to draw an intricate city map with roads for my son to roll his toy cars on...When you're desperate for a massage, cars rolling on your back is something. I, of course, tested the shirt--just to make sure it was a quality product. And so, I refined the art of getting my child to give me a massage while having fun. "Do you see the road that runs VERTICAL on my back --alongside my spine? Can you get your very HEAVY tractor to SLOWLY ride down it? It needs to deliver some hay to the farm but there's a sign that says 5 miles per hour!" (I refined those cues after discovering that the fast rubbing of cars across vertebrae was rather irritating.)
I promise you this is not child exploitation: the kid is learning valuable skills!
All joking aside, massage is truly a wonderful way to bond with your little one and also to connect as a family.
I trained in Infant Massage when my son was 2 months old--he actually took the training with me! Four years later, I feel lucky that this practice has stayed with us, shifting in frequency and style over time.
Sometimes he wants a little head rub at bedtime, other times we set up a spa in the bathroom with fuzzy padding on the ground, warmed oil, a soft body brush and rose water. My son picks where he likes to be rubbed (usually his back and legs). I ask him about pressure, pace, style and welcome feedback throughout the mini session. He loves to massage his own feet, belly and curls with oil. He sometimes asks if I want a massage, welcoming feedback--he's learning to do longer strokes and to use less oil. I have seen his confidence grow in how he expresses what he likes and wants, and how he appreciates his body.
Infant Massage is a way to connect with your child through nurturing touch and to improve both verbal and non-verbal communication. It teaches about consent, communication, honoring the body and self-regulation. Every child is different with what they like sensorially, and it's important to honor and refine what will support their development.
Don't get me wrong, our boy is still very much learning about consent and non-verbal communication: he often head-bump us when he needs attention or when he gets "hangry." However, it is great to witness moments when his appreciation for kindness, consideration and a refined nurturing touch comes through.
Kathy Peillot is a Massage Therapist, Yoga Instructor and Educator of Infant Massage. She trained in Thai Yoga Massage, Cupping, Kids and Perinatal Yoga. You can book a session with her here and also find her Yoga Nidras on Insight Timer.
Mothering
Written by Hannah Poppish of Poppysol
There are so many ways to mother and be mothered, to tend and to receive the mother energy.
I have been fortunate enough to connect with this energy through my own mom and I am now transferring this beautiful, nourishing energy to all the green plants that I care for on this piece of land I steward and to my rescue Pittie, Mimi.
Mothering is really about a circle of care.
Hannah at Poppysol Farm with her farm dog, Mimi.
As Robin Wall Kimmerer writes in Braiding Sweetgrass, "This is really why I made my daughters learn to garden -- so I would have a mother to love them long after I am gone."
Each season brings its own opportunity for learning and for making memories. There are certain plants and garden activities I will always associate with my mom or my maternal grandma.
Daffodils bring memories of putting a trowel in the cold earth at thanksgiving with my mom and then calling each other in the spring to see if the other person's green tips have peeked through yet or if the blooms have begun.
Begonias instantly evoke a barefoot walk around a humid green lush backyard with my grandma in the mornings to check on the birds and plants and give them anything they might need.
Mother energy for me is about connection, continuity, deep care and the ability to put others - human and non human - first, even if for brief moments here and there, stepping outside of ourselves and embracing something greater.
A heart expansive act, a blessing.
Hannah Poppish is an herb farmer and herbalist based in Chatham County, NC. Her intention is to grow only what she can sustainably manage, to grow in alignment with ecologically sound practices, and to share what she knows about growing, harvesting, and processing with the community at large.
Birth as Transformation
by Erin Hanehan of Whole Mama Yoga
Giving birth was a transformative, mystical experience. It changed me. Being pregnant felt normal and natural (it also felt foreign and uncomfortable), but those hours (and hours and hours) of laboring and then ultimately giving birth changed everything. And that’s not hyperbole.
After giving birth I had a new role (mother), several new names (mommy, mama, mom), a new body, a new relationship to spirituality, a redefined closeness to female friendships and a deeper understanding of the divine feminism inherent in Mother Nature. Eventually I even had a new job, a new routine, new priorities, new sleep patterns and new eating habits.
Before giving birth, I heard other parents speak to this idea of starting a family as a force of change. But I always only considered the very real, very tangible changes that having children bring - less sleep, more crumbs, frequent crying, lots of poop, etc.
Third trimester pregnant. Full of wonder and anticipation. Photo Credit: Allie Mullin Photography.
HERE IS WHAT I KNOW NOW - The act of birthing is in and of itself transformative, and we are ALL doing it ALL THE TIME.
Spark
Grow
Labor
Birth
Dissolve
Begin Again
The feminine cycle - the circular - is so powerful. So fundamental. So intuitive. And yet, many of us have moved very far away from it. Choosing instead a linear view of ourselves and of the world around us.
I am not just simply a person who lives with a child now - a mother, a mommy, a mama - I am…a different person than I used to be.
A photo I took just a few days postpartum.
Perhaps that is what we find frightening about the circular (I know I do). If we surrender to life’s ebb and flow, we can find ourselves feeling like we’ve lost our sense of knowing who we are. But what if knowing who we are IS understanding the circle - the ebb and flow - the change - the cycle. What if on the other side of birth is a person you can’t wait to meet?
I was so excited to meet my son - the tiny human I had been growing inside of me for 39 weeks and change. I had no idea I’d be so excited to meet me again as well.
If you feel inspired, I invite you consider the following (in a journal, in mediation, while you move on your yoga mat or while taking a walk):
What are you gestating or growing right now that excites you?
How and in what ways are you laboring?
What is ready to be birthed?
The magic inside of you is an honor to witness.
Happy Mother’s Day - to all who are growing, laboring and birthing.
Erin Hanehan is a yoga and drama teacher based in Durham, NC. She works with babies, toddlers and school aged children as well as pre and postnatal birthing people. Whole Mama Yoga is the collective perinatal yoga work of Erin, Lauren Sacks and Alexandra DeSiato.