What's Your Schedule Personality? And How to Establish a Regular, Not Rigid, Schedule
Regular, not rigid.
When schedules are regular and fairly consistent, they can hum along nicely without anyone having to lose sleep (literally) over timing. But establishing a schedule is a painful process for some parents. You can’t just put a schedule in front of someone and say “Here, follow this!”
So, that got me thinking. I talk about this all the time with my clients — but what about the folks who download our free schedules and e-books online? Or read our social media posts? When I say, be regular with the schedule, not rigid, does that even make sense?
How do YOU feel about schedules, or maybe the lack thereof, in your house? I’d love to know in the comments.
Most parents follow one of three trends when it comes to schedules.
And each schedule personality comes with unique gifts….and challenges.
Which schedule personality are you?
Do you find keeping a schedule for your little one(s) easy, like you’ve got a nice flow established? You have a set schedule for your kiddo, but it doesn’t cause you stress and everyone is fine with “off days” here and there due to events, fun outings, and special occasions. If yes, you’re probably a “regular schedule” kinda parent. You have a nice schedule framework established, so when your kiddo has an off day, it’s not a big deal. They fall back into the rhythm and it’s all good.
Or, do you get OBSESSED with your kiddo’s schedule? Or with your own? Do you track sleep or awake time down to the minute? Or second? Do you feel stressed if your kiddo’s schedule is off for some reason? Do you get anxious thinking about travel and outings, and how they’ll impact the schedule? If yes, you’re probably a “rigid schedule” or “clock-watcher” kinda parent.
Or finally, does the mere thought of schedules make you feel stifled? Like you’re restrained from living life and unable to go with the flow? Do you get annoyed when people are like: “if you put your kid on a schedule, they’ll sleep better.” If yes, you’re probably an “irregular schedule” or “what are schedules?” kinda parent.
I can tell you that by nature, I am most definitely a #2. And I work SO HARD to channel my inner #1. My husband might disagree, but y'all, I’ve come a long way. About a 1,000 hours of mindfulness and meditation have gone into me trying to chill the F- out. And admittedly, it’s gotten easier as my kiddos have gotten older (they’re 6 and 10 now) and the impact of overtiredness isn’t so glaringly obvious.
There is no “right” way to be when it comes to schedules.
You’re wired how you’re wired and that goes for your kids too. Regardless of which schedule personality you most identify with, you are an AWESOME parent and the best parent for your little one(s).
But, when it comes to your child’s sleep, there are ways we can work with your natural schedule-obsessed or schedule-phobic tendencies to improve your child’s sleep without you having to try to be something you are not!
So, here’s a little pep talk for you #2 (clock-obsessed) and #3 (what the heck is a schedule?) parents out there:
For “clock-obsessed” parents, my guess is you may be so tied to your (or your child’s) schedule that you find it hard to be flexible when needed. Or maybe you try to be flexible and stay out later with your baby one evening, but are secretly miserable the whole time because you’re worried about them being overtired the next day.
Please let me reassure you: It's OK! Your baby is going to thrive even if they miss a nap here or there. They are going to be fine tonight. You keep a regular schedule as your M.O. so they will have no problem falling back into it tomorrow.
But I also know that simply telling you this doesn’t change anything. That’s not how anxiety works. What I urge you to do is try staying out a little later with your kiddo one night for a picnic dinner. You might try this easy little meditation if you start to feel stressed.
When everything ends up being fine, it will give you some good data to help begin reducing your anxiety.. I mean, your kid may be a little fussier at bedtime or not sleep perfectly, but that is OK! Their sleep isn’t ruined. And it was totally worth them getting to be out with you at sunset and enjoying friends.
Sleep isn’t the only thing that matters. I promise. Meeting up with your friends at the park, going to storytime at the library, and having a date with your baby at the cafe are all important experiences. Don’t let sleep get in the way of living your life with your child!
Why don’t you try testing this approach at least once a month? Make fun plans that might interfere with your kiddos schedule! Truly, it will get easier with practice and your kiddo will benefit in the long run from you letting go a little bit and enjoy an activity they’d otherwise miss due to their nap or bedtime schedule.
If you feel anxious when you get back home and put them to nap or bed later than normal, or if they are fussy because they're overtired (again, this is OK! Overtiredness is worth it from time to time if it means they get to have a great experience!), I recommend trying this tool, The Mindful Method for Sleep™.
Importance confession and PSA from a schedule-obsessed parent:
In retrospect, I can now see that I was experiencing clinically high levels of anxiety after my first child was born. One of the ways it manifested was with me tracking his sleep to the minute, and obsessing over awake windows (once I learned what they were). Therapy and/or anxiety medication should have been a part of my life. I would have been happier and at ease and my baby likely would have slept better. He definitely felt my stress too and I have a hunch it contributed to his colic. If this speaks to you, please reach out for help. Parenting takes a village and many times, an essential part of that village is a good therapist and/or psychiatrist. Hugs and solidarity to you, friend!!
For “I hate schedules” kinda parents who like to keep their options open, who maybe tend more toward the “free-spirited” end of the personality spectrum–I totally hear you. Keeping your child on a schedule may feel soul-sucking. And restraining. Or impossible.
And if you do it, it will probably be the biggest adaptation you'll make as a new parent. But, I know you can do hard things. And there’s a way to nudge your child toward a healthy schedule without having to compromise your lifestyle. Here’s how:
Go for regularity with the sleep schedule, not rigidity. Think of it more as a daily flow or framework, than a schedule.
So long as you keep an eye on your child’s morning wake up time, and keep it and the first nap time fairly consistent (if they still nap), you can let the rest of the day be more go-with-the-flow. Try to save your spontaneous outings for the afternoon more frequently than the morning, so that the first nap time can remain intact (if they nap). But if you need to have a whacky first nap here and there -- no biggie!
If your child is a baby, you can also keep the schedule flow/framing work humming if you create a quiet moment for a stroll or walk in the baby carrier around their typical naptime. This will keep their body clock in balance.
If your kiddo doesn’t nap anymore, just aim to keep the morning wake up time consistent, and remember that your child’s nighttime sleep will be best if they go down for bedtime when they are tired, but not overtired.
You can download our free Sleep Needs by Age Guides below for some suggestions – remember, it’s a framework and a flow – you don’t have to follow it too a T! But do keep in mind, that kiddos with regular (not rigid!) schedules tend to sleep better.
Finally, there are two pieces of good news. #1, if you keep a fairly regular schedule most days of the week, most babies will be 100% a-okay with an irregular schedule a couple days of the week. The key is for the norm to be the regular-schedule days. This will get your kiddo into a nice flow. #2 - this phase will pass and before you know it and as your kiddo gets older, you may find that they tend toward the “free-spirited” end of the spectrum as well. And y'all can enjoy spontaneous outings, late nights, and sunrises together all you want!
PS - when I grow up, I want to be like you. As an innately nervous person, the thought of not caring about schedules sounds so glamorous.
For all parents, just keep this in mind. When it comes to schedules, let’s aim for regularity. Keeping a regular schedule establishes strong sleep windows, which help our littles stay awake, alert, and ready to learn and have fun during awake times, and sleepy and ready for restorative sleep during asleep times.
When schedules are irregular, sleep windows don’t get established and the kiddo’s body clock never knows when it’s supposed to be asleep or awake--poor naps, difficulty falling asleep, and night wakings tend to result.
When sleep schedules are rigid, it becomes a feedback loop for high anxiety, which isn’t good for anyone’s mood, or sleep either.
And finally, EVERY child is unique. What works for one kiddo may or may not work for the next. Just because your neighbor’s 11 month old takes two, two-hour naps and sleeps every night from 7:00PM to 7:00AM does not mean that’s what your 11 month old should be doing.
I hope this adds some context to all of our schedule recommendations in the Sleep Needs by Age Guides and the Stellar Sleep e-books, which you can find here.
Wishing you and your little one(s) stellar sleep, and nice, easy, “regular” schedules.
So let me know! Which schedule personality are you?