The secret to a better tomorrow

The secret to a better tomorrow lies in how you end the day today.

Moments of stress, separation and distress are inevitable. Such is the life of a human being, especially in babies and children who’s emotion regulation skills are still developing. These moments might be a spat (or brawl?) with a sibling, a stern “STOP” from Mom or Dad when a toddler finds scissors and takes off on a tear toward the baby, Mom or Dad leaving for the grocery store, or sometimes the distress is more prolonged or intense from a truly awful event. We can’t prevent this pain - it’s an inevitable part of the human experience. But we can heal those moments of distress, and help our kiddos develop resilience and a positive worldview, with authentic togetherness and connection at the end of the day. 

During sleep, our brain integrates experiences from the day and files them away as memories. Our brains are hardwired to set up belief systems in this way. When babies and children end the day feeling unsafe or disconnected -- which can easily happen when parents are stressed or emotionally vacant during the bedtime routine -- this runs the risk of promoting feelings of insecurity and negativity. Alternatively, ending the day with lots of connection and security will prime your little one’s system for positive integration of experiences, emotional regulation, and connectedness, which will support the development of a positive worldview (and hence a more positive tomorrow!). Those small moments of distress from the previous day will be repaired and your kiddo will wake up feeling secure and confident in being themselves.

Anxiety and urgency keep us from experiencing authentic connection with our children in general, and all too frequently at bedtime. In our current world, it’s damn near impossible to be free from anxiety. And if after bedtime is the first time during the day where you’ve had a quiet house or the ability to work in peace or take care of one of your bazillion responsibilities without Elmo or Daniel Tiger in the background, a crying baby, kids screaming, or a tiny human attached to your leg, you are likely feel a sense of urgency to get your child asleep ASAP. As such, bedtimes, especially these days, are fraught with anxiety and urgency. It’s no wonder that the ridiculously hilarious “Go the f**k to sleep” story strikes such a resonant cord with millions of parents.

Enter story time.

Story time is so powerful because it changes the parent-child dynamic.

You are no longer telling your child what to do (e.g. brush your teeth, stop torturing the cat, “Go the f**k to sleep) or reacting to a real need or want. With stories, you are snuggled up together with a spacious, beautiful, and open-ended world unfolding in front of you both. You are in this moment together as equals, enjoying the story and the closeness, the love and connection, rather than seeking an outcome. Allowing yourself to get lost in the story and the snuggles will give you an anchor in the present moment, and an opportunity for mindfully sending your child off to sleep. All of these good feelings will ease your child into slumber with positivity and security, paving the way for positive integration of the any challenging experiences from the day. 

If your child feels too old for story time, you could try snuggling up together, each reading your own books. My nine year old calls this the “reading train” and he requests it almost every night. Or listening to a guided relaxation together would offer another chance for mindful connection.

After stories, I also recommend practicing affirmations and/or gratitude to further solidify those good feelings before bed. You could try something like this: 

“Walter you are loved. Walter you are just right and wonderful just how you are. Walter you are safe and Mommy/Daddy is always here for you.” 

“I am grateful for my cozy bed. I am grateful for the sun and the rain and all of the yummy fruits and vegetables they help us grow in our garden. I am grateful for bike rides with my family. I am grateful for grandma.” 

You get the picture. The simple and enjoyable acts of storytelling, being fully present with your loving attention, and positive messaging have the power to undo any harm that was done during the day. 

If there is a single most important message I want parents to have during this challenging time, whether your baby is two months or twelve years, it is to end the day with authentic connection. 

And I like to think that if we each do our part to fill our children with the security and connection they deserve, that together we will build a brighter future for our children and humankind.